“There’s no such thing as failure,just lessons learned along the way.“

– Sadhguru

 

I know it gets tiring everyone telling us it’s okay to fail.

And it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re in it, does it?

 

So what’d you do? 

 

“I think the things you regret most in life are the things you didn’t do.” -Steve Jobs

 

I agree with Steve Jobs. When I look over my life, I don’t have any regrets about things I tried but didn’t work out.

I only wish I’d taken bigger risks.

What about you?

In today’s episode of Squeezehands TV, you’ll learn what to do when things aren’t going your way, when everything seems to be crumbling before your eyes.

I know it feels like crap.

Do you want to stay there?

                                             We are all failures- At least the best of us. – JB Barrie (creator of Peter Pan)

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months or even years, where it felt like everything you touched, everything you tried to accomplish just crumbled into pieces?

And worse, while you’re wallowing in the ashes, your friend, neighbor or the celebrity on TV seems to have the Midas touch. Where everything just works, everything they look at turns to gold.

You’re not alone. The most successful people on the planet have felt like a failure multiple times. We just don’t see it.

Last week I found out a project I had been working on for a year had not gotten a necessary approval to be sold. I was devastated. Luckily my habit of always looking for something good, something beautiful, has made it difficult for me to stay in a victim place for long. So I called a good friend who was a successful business owner. In the 20 years I’d known him I’d never seen anything he did fail.  When I told him this, he laughed.

“Well” he said, “maybe that’s because I’m pretty good a reframing or coming at things from a different angle.”

If something didn’t work one way, he came at it from another way.

And that’s the big difference between successful and unsuccessful people. Whether or not you pull yourself out of the rubble, brush yourself off, smile and figure out the next step.

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career.

I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.

 

 I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”   — Michael Jordan

It can be easier said than done, I know.

When you’re feeling the sting of a failure, it can feel like you have nothing left, no where to go, and you’re completely unsupported. Like you’re a complete and utter loser, like what’s the point, you’d already given everything you got.

But have you?

It can feel like some people just have everything come to them, and then some of us have to work to the bone for every little crumb we get.

Have you felt that way?

Some of us were brought up being told that messing up, or failing at something was bad. So we stopped trying new and exciting things. We took the safe path. Or it caused not to want to keep doing something until we couldn’t do it wrong. If we didn’t get it right the first time we just quit. Our programming told us we were losers for failing so why would we try it again and again only to keep feeling like a failure?

I wonder if that’s one of the reasons depression is so rampant? We’re not being the creative people we’re meant to be. We’re not out there making stuff, messing up, and moving on. If we don’t succeed the first couple of times we stop and eventually start feeling like we can’t do anything right. So we feel stymied and trapped, and go into depression.

But, can you imagine getting upset with a child for falling every time they tried walking? What if we didn’t keep trying and those of us scared of failure were still crawling around as adults?

Wouldn’t that be ridiculous (and funny really:). 

But doesn’t it feel like that? Like our fear of failure keeps us crawling around, while there’s all these brave people, who we think never fail, walking on two legs with the world bowing to their every whim and fancy.

Do you really want to live that way? Do you really want to continue crawling on the ground scrounging for the crumbs left by the 2 leggeds?

Have you ever heard yourself saying:

“But I’ve tried so hard, I put so much time and energy into this project, I don’t have anything left to give.” or “I did try multiple times and nothing worked, what’s the point? Nothing I ever do works.”

So what can you do when you feel like a failure?  Like everywhere you turn you just aren’t enough?

1. Realize YOU are not a failure, this thing that you were doing simply didn’t work. It’s not a reflection of you.
2. Feel whatever you feel. I know I spend a lot of time talking about the importance of finding a better feeling thought, but that doesn’t negate the need to feel whatever you’re feeling.

This is one of the things I love about Squeeze Hands (link). Before Squeeze Hands it was really hard for me to sit with my feelings. I was afraid I would get lost there, AND  I wanted to be able to do something about them, not just feel my feelings.

Squeeze Hands allows you to feel how you’re feeling comfortably. And best of all you can do it right when the discomfort arises. You don’t have to wait until you have a quiet half hour to yourself, you can do it anywhere without anyone even knowing.

3. Look at what went wrong. It you had a conversation with your boss and didn’t get the raise you wanted, as uncomfortable as it may feel, replay that conversation in your head. What could you have done or said differently? The important part of this is do the replay without judging.

So often we’ll replay a conversation or event over and over in our head, more as a way of beating ourselves up than from learning from the experience. The key is to replay the failure either in your head, or video if it was filmed etc. and see it as an opportunity to learn.

4. Get more clear about the outcome you do want. Once you know what you want to do differently, in our asking for a raise scenario, maybe you saw that you could have written down all your accomplishments and how that benefited the company. Or maybe it was being more appreciative of the job and money that you already make.

Maybe you wanted to sell a product you wanted but no one bought it. Is it possible that’s just not the right product for you to be selling, that it won’t get you the lifestyle you want? Or what if it’s a raise you’ve been wanting. Is it possible, you’re just not in a satisfying job, maybe you want to move around in the company, or do something else completely.

Successful people look at each failure as an opportunity, to get clearer on what they want, and why they want it. Do you want more money, or do you want a more challenging job? Do you just want to sell whatever product you can or do you want to sell something that is in line with your values?

Athletes look at their game and race tapes all the time, as an opportunity to see their form and learn how to improve it. Believe me, it’s not easy for star athletes to sit and watch themselves be beaten, or  lose the gold medal. But they do it, because that’s how they learn what to improve, and that’s how they get to the Olympics to start with.

5. Visualize the outcome you want. Visualize how it feels for you when your boss gives you a raise out of respect and appreciation for your contributions.  How are you sitting, what does your boss look like, what’s the look on your face, what are you wearing, how do you feel when you’re working?

Or how does it feel to be selling a product that people write and tell you how much it’s changed their lives? Or that the bike you wanted goes on sale in a couple of months and you get it at a fraction of the price than you would have had you been able to buy it the minute you wanted it.

Do this visualization every day at least once a day. Preferably in the morning and in the evening.

6. Take action– when you visualize, when you feel a little better, what is the action you feel inspired to take? If you don’t feel inspired to take any action, wait. If you don’t want to do that        take whatever seems to be the next logical step. Don’t force it. Too many people are spinning their wheels in an effort to make something happen.

The sting of failing, or something not working or going the way you wanted it to go may never go away. But now you have a hand, helping you get back up.

There really is no failing, there’s just things you didn’t try, or things that didn’t work.

Be kind to yourself, as you’d be kind to a child learning to ride a bike. Believe in yourself. No one is going to believe in you until you believe in you. Look for things you have created, and wallow in those successes a while. 

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.”

  -Steve Jobs

 

 So now I’d love to hear from you. Share in the comments what failure you’ve had lately? Once you talk about it and get it out, then it doesn’t feel so bad. 

Have a great week, and keep looking for the joy!

Much love,
Holly

(Please note that any links to any other posts, videos etc will be removed.)