I woke up one morning feeling this guilt that I hadn’t saved more in my life.

I had felt this many times, but this time I did something different. I stayed with the feeling. I just sat and felt the guilt, the shame and the anger at myself.

What surprised me was how quickly I moved through the feelings once I let myself just feel those feelings. It was only minutes.

My dominate intention each day is to feel good. To look for things that make me happy and if I can’t find anything, to think of things that make me happy. And a surprising gift has come from that commitment, it made it easier for me to just feel my feelings when they weren’t happy because I knew how to make myself feel happy again.

On this particular day, another surprise came while I was journaling about the experience.

Just feeling the feelings allowed me to go to the moment, for me it was a moment, I decided not to put more of each paycheck away. And what I really felt in that moment was that I wasn’t worthy of feeling comfort. I knew that putting away money that many years before I’d use it would be worth a lot in my older days, and I didn’t think I deserved to feel so much ease and comfort.

Have you ever felt this?

It’s not the most obvious belief. We often layer other beliefs on top of this belief. The belief that I don’t have enough, or what’s the point, or…. fill in whatever your belief is.

And the really big aha? Well there was this pervasive feeling that I was bad, or I shouldn’t have been born etc. I never really knew what it was and that’s why I didn’t feel I deserved comfort.  I hadn’t actually done any horrible things. In fact I worked really hard to prove I was worthy of someone’s attention. It was what I accomplished that gave me my only true sense of worthiness.

And that just got old after a while. I got tired of chasing mountains.

For me, my Mom had told me a year earlier that my Dad didn’t want anymore children after my brother was born. But she did and she kept looking for ways, including adoption to have another child. Not much later she became pregnant with me.

Hearing this was such a huge relief. I realized that my Dad didn’t want ME, he just didn’t want any other children. All the fighting I heard about me, and the feelings of resistance I felt from my Dad were real. They just had nothing to do with me, they were just about having another child.

I’ve never wanted children, so I understand probably more than most. Even when I was a child playing house with my friends I only ever had animlas,no children. So it makes sense to me why he didn’t want children.

I could finally let go of the hurt that came from my Dad resenting me.

I want you to know you are loved. Even if no one seems to be able to love you the way you want to be loved, you are loved.

Find something, a tree, your dog, your cat, your goldfish, that you feel love for, and feel with your whole body that love. Then once you feel it really strongly allow that love to flow back to you.

That may be the hardest part. If it is just keep doing it when you first wake every day. It only takes a minute.

Those of us who didn’t feel loved as children, have a challenge allowing ourselves to feel the love that completely surrounds us all the time, when you look for it, when you allow yourself to feel it.

And when you’re tired of feeling crappy, try finding something you love and feel that love coming back to you, it will rock your world! (Especially if it’s a Rock! 😉

In the comments below share what you’re focusing on to feel love. There’s no right or wrong here. (I started with trees 🙂

Have a great week, and keep looking for the joy!

Much love,
Holly

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